We’ve made a lot of progress in recent years in changing the narrative around older people and sex
But have we gone too far? Delia Lloyd asks whether we’re at risk of talking about romance and intimacy in a way that underscores what’s different across generations, rather than what they have in common.
An old friend got in touch not long ago to tell me she was working on a memoir. She was writing about what it was like to start dating in her mid-40’s, after ending a long, largely sexless marriage. She asked me to take a look at an early draft.
I was expecting stories of lame pickup lines, mediocre pasta dinners with would-be suitors and long walks in comfy cardigans. Instead, I found myself reading frank and detailed accounts of sex clubs…threesomes…and, well…fit. (Yeah, that kind of fit.) In short, her memoir wasn’t so much about dating as it was about sex.
Further reading
The manuscript was raw and refreshing. My first thought was “Wow, she’s really putting herself out there! She’s so brave!” It wasn’t until a couple of years later that I questioned my initial reaction. Why should sexual experimentation-and enjoyment-be considered bold in midlife? Why did I immediately think her story sounded more suited to that of a 20-something than a middle-aged woman?
There’s an obvious answer to that question. The narrative we’ve long been fed in both popular culture and research about dating and intimacy among “older adults” (which usually means over-50) tends to centre on physical decline, compromised function and loneliness.