BZ Blog

What do you think of dating two people at once?

Answer

Thanks for writing. This question comes frequently, both in a church setting like yours, as well as in the context of online dating sites. As nice as it is to have two men interested in you (especially as opposed to no men), it quickly becomes complicated and is often marked by guilt and anxiety. The anxiety comes, I believe, from worrying that you’ll have to choose one over the other, inevitably hurting someone’s feelings, as well as risking choosing wrongly, thereby missing out on the “right” one. The guilt may be your conscience speaking; it’s a voice worth heeding.

While it’s possible to consider two men at once, it’s not advisable for the reasons you’ve already raised: It’s difficult to do it in a way that’s honoring to them, which dings your reputation and leaves you feeling guilty. But I may be getting ahead of the facts.

You’ve said it might be too early in the relationships to have to choose, and I suspect you’re right. Rarely does it happen that two men pursue with equal interest and intentionality, stirring in a woman an equal response and potential for love and marriage. What’s more likely is that as you get to know these men as friends, one will emerge as the man you’re more drawn to (or possibly you’ll realize neither is a good fit for marriage). Though it may come to disappointing one by choosing the other, that is the nature of settling down. Marriage means saying “yes” to one man for life and “no” to all the rest.

As you’re finding, it complicates things to try and grow in friendship toward marriage with two men at one time. You make the work of discerning a man’s character and commitment to Christ more difficult by entertaining the possibility of two men at once. I believe wisdom involves focusing on one man at a time.

When Steve and I were growing in friendship, along with a great group of other singles in our graduate school program, I knew it would be impossible to move forward in our relationship (past friendship) until, and unless, he considered what we had together apart from all the other possibilities.